D is for Drinking

If, like me, you are the type of person who realizes that you’re going to die one day, then you probably like to get drunk. Not all the time, but most certainly sometimes. Perhapenstance even oftentimes. For myself, the precious state of being reffered to as good and drunk is a level of intoxication between mild euphoria and what one might call the great mumbling shutdown (this being a comeuppance of overindulgence often leading to in-pants-urination and unscheduled deep-nap syndrome). To my taste the mental/psychological/spiritual state of Good and Drunk has not been adequately exalted within the context of the human journey. Therefore I shall posit that the human experience of being good and drunk (but not too drunk) is in matter of fact sacred. A sacred gift from who knows whom. But it was and is given to us. And now it must be understood as a blessing and a responsibility. We must honor it like a superpower thoughtfully bestowed so that we might do good and not evil. Spread justice and not venom.


Pour yourself a pint or shot or tumblerful; come along with me and let us divine what good and best flows from the holy spirit that is ALCOHOL.


Now, hooch often gets a bad wrap because it is poison and can cause its abusers to ruin their lives, betray all that they should value, and die wretched painful deaths. Detractors will also claim that it brings out the worst in people. Well, too much of anything (including water and Vitamin C) will destroy your body; so the question is one of cost v. benefit:


In Defense of Drunkards and Drunkenness:


I. Booze only brings out the worst  of you if you already have a deep and bitter reservoir of darkness lurking in your murky mind—demonic, unexorcised, and just waiting to be set free. SO, if you are an angry person, don’t drink to surfeit around the people who make you angry (i.e. family, friends, pets, strangers). Same goes if you are a mean; sad; or violent person, because the alcohol disinhibits you and therefore sets free whatever inside you wants out. Let us be clear that the onus is on you to get right with yourself if you want to benefit from the holy spirit. If you are too troubled or too nincompooped to get drunk in public, then go get drunk on your floor by yourself and have a horrible-old-time without pissing on my fart party!


II. “‘Alcohol is poison and will destroy your body,’ J. P. Dolt said, adjusting his/her pleated pants.”

Yeah, well, fuck you, J. P. It is fun and when used correctly can connect you directly to the person you hope to be and/or the world in which you want to live. It can allow you to bond with a stranger or reconnect with a long alienated friend our love. My oldest brother once taught me a simple yet priceless application for drink: if you have to kill some time with a stranger or an awkward acquaintance, go to a bar or get a bottle. Get drunk together. Drinking provides the two key elements of friendship: common ground and vulnerability. It is friendship in a glass. You share the ritual act of imbibibation and the natural vulnerability of drunkenness. Openheartedness, confession, easy laughter. Voila. A memory is made that will comfort you on your deathbed.


On Non-Drinkers:


Good for you. I assume you have a reason. I hope it is a good one. But I’ll tell you what. Don’t start preaching. Sobriety carries the same responsibility as insobriety. Get right with yourself so that your condition (be it drunk or sober) will not ruin my fart party.


On Abusers:


“‘Wait a sec mister! I’m a wild thing. I like to Party! Capital PEE-My-Pants, PARTY! And what kind of a Donald Downer are you, telling me how I should and shouldn’t get my kicks? Jerk. Loser. Prude. Teetotaler! Turdsmith!’ R. F. Grunderwear said into the face of the author.”


To Ms./Mr. Grunderwear I say, DO go crazy. For a bit. Do what you need to do to transition into adulthood. Underaged binge drinking is western culture’s most prominent right of passage. Do what you need to do to fit in—in to yourself, in to a group of dudes and dudettes, into your family. Drink yourself into a pathetic pile of mumbling goop when you really need to. But on average, go nuts for good. Don’t dishonor the drink and go dark in the faces of the unsuspecting good-time boozers just trying to get loose in the little free time we have before Armmageadon.


On Abusers—Exceptions to the Rule:


If you are going to give up your life to alcohol or substance abuse, be exceptional. The Hemingways and Nilssons of the world  are excused. They get to be lifetime monsters and die early deaths beyond reproach because they left the world-at-large a better place than they found it. Their personal lives be damned. If abuse plays into your exaltation (i.e. the production of great art) perhaps you are a monk for the holy spirit. Perhaps it is your mainline to divinity. Perhaps.


Short of divinity, reign in the drinking you fucking losers.


A Toast:

Here’s to those grumpy jerks who get sweet on light beer. Here’s to those introverts that hit the dance floor after four cocktails. Here’s to those polite acquaintances who will get tipsy and sit your ass down for to tell you, in alarmingly insightful detail, how you are systematically making all the wrong decisions and in effect ruining your life. Here’s to alcohol’s devout congregation. May we take this sacrament into our bodies so that it might cure, consecrate, and conjure all the good that lay within. Future and past be blessed and damned together.




In Conclusion:


Your path is a thing that you need to discover on your lonesome. It should make you more yourself everyday. And I believe that you and I should use every tool at our disposal to define and improve our respective paths. I also believe that drinking can uniquely expose weaknesses and frustrations that might otherwise never see the blinding light of closing time. Alcohol is a tool. A messy one, perhaps, but it is a messy world. Learn the lessons of your meltdowns. Move forward. Figure out how to drink for the good of all mankind. And if you are not wired for it, achieve restraint or give it up.


Let our paths intersect in jubilation, revelation, and gyration. Not in diatribe, projection, and jobation. As the document declares, pursue your own happiness and don’t fuck with anybody who doesn’t ask you to fuck with them.


Everything in moderation, especially moderation.




-Wm. Greene

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