Laura Kadner

(I’m eating an ice cream cone. The Interviewer arrives late. I’m annoyed.)

Interviewer: Hey, Laura! How are you?

Me: I’m doing great. Eating some ice cream.

Interviewer: Oh! How wild. What flavor?

Me: Mint chip.

Interviewer: That’s amazing.

Me: Thanks.

Interviewer: So – you kind of have it all: you write, you craft, you do other things – how do you do it?

Me: How do I do what?

Interviewer: Have it all!?

Me: Well, mostly I just steal other peoples’ ideas. BADA BING BADA BOOM!

Interviewer: Is that true?

Me: No. I’m just that good.

Interviewer: You sound conceited.

Me: You’re just upset I’m not sharing my ice cream.

Interviewer: So. Maybe I am.

Me: I just don’t think it’s cool for you to bring your personal feelings into my about page.

Interviewer: I don’t think it’s cool for you to eat ice cream right in front of me without offering me any.

Me: I thought you were lactose intolerant.

Interviewer: You don’t know  me.

Me: I know you better than you think.

Interviewer: What’s that supposed to mean?

Me: It means I looked you up on AOL  and saw a post you put on a Kids Only message board for people who get farty and gassy from foamy lattes.

Interviewer: That wasn’t me. That was someone else with my same name.

Me: You sure  seem to know a lot about it for someone who claims you didn’t do it.

Interviewer: Look. I would never say those things. I get farty and bloated. Not gassy. That’s the same thing as farty. And I know the difference because I’m an adult.

Me: No – gassy could mean burpy.

Interviewer: My god. You’re right. I guess…I am just a child.

Me: That would explain a lot. Like why you’re so jealous of my ice cream.

Interviewer: I’m really sorry.

Me: It’s okay. Look. I have to go.

Interviewer: Do what?

Me: Well, I do a lot of stuff. I write for Hello Giggles. I write for my own blog, Gumdrop Lane. And my other craftier blog,  The Honey Bubble. And I make movies. And radio plays. And co-host events in historic places. And read books. And sample different ice creams. I gotta go do all of it.

Interviewer: Wow. You really are that good.

Me: I know. Here, kid. Enjoy.

(I push the rest of her ice cream into the Interviewer’s face and leave.)